It is hard to write without spilling my whole story here. But I’ll try.
I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. I spent a long time trying to fit in. But recently I understood. The world doesn’t really want me to be me. It wants to shape me in a certain way. Media tell me what to look like to deserve the word beautiful, the education system tells me to get at least one university degree to be smart and church says I will never be worthy enough to call myself a good person. People look weird at me when I dress a certain way or when I tell them that my goal is not career but motherhood. Some people claim to be friends, but I know they talk bad about me behind my back or that if I told them who I really am and what my dreams are, they’d laugh and walk away.
These were, even though I haven’t realized it until now, some of the things that were holding me back from true happiness. These things were the reasons to why I always felt sad, useless and lonely. Because I do not fit into our society’s “chart”. I let myself be judged by others. The reason I’m writing all this is because I know I’m not the only one.
Lately it hit me how short time we actually get here. I’m almost 20 and mostly spent those years unhappy, crying. I used to think: “I’m still a child, I’m still young. One day I’ll be able to get out of here and get a better life.”. I concentrated on the future and hoped it’s gonna be better than the past and present. But what if I’d walk out of my house now and get hit by a car and die? In that case I would’ve spent my whole life just surviving and waiting for a better tomorrow. Death doesn’t scare me as much as the thought of a wasted life. And that’s why I decided to rename the better tomorrow to today . I regret I didn’t realize this earlier. I feel like I’ve already wasted a big part of my life. I don’t get to re-live it again. I’ll never get to do it better again. But better start now than never. And that’s why I called this article what I did. I choose to believe I’m a strong, beautiful, intelligent, talented and capable young woman. That my dreams are not stupid. I don’t have to surround myself with people who talk bad about me or those that are only “friends” as long as I live the way they like me to and leave me the second we have a different oppinion and I’m not willing to surrender to theirs. People don’t get to control me and try to shape me into something I’m not. I get to choose if I want to go to university, where I want to live, who I want to spend my life with or when I want to get married or have children. I can reach for my dreams, spend my time the way I want, do what I love, and be with people I appreciate, people who inspire and support me. What the others say is none of my bussiness. It doesn’t define who I am or what is right to do. It is my life and I only live once.
That’s what I really want – to shed all the people who want to form and shape me, one by one, and learn to form and shape myself.
Tobias Eaton, Four (Veronica Roth)