I haven’t been posting lately, since school got pretty busy and my graduation period started two weeks ago. But after all is done I want to get back to blogging, maybe change things up a little bit. But for now I’ll leave you with a few photos I took today and then I’m off for yet more studying!
I hope you’re all having a great day!
It is hard to write without spilling my whole story here. But I’ll try.
I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. I spent a long time trying to fit in. But recently I understood. The world doesn’t really want me to be me. It wants to shape me in a certain way. Media tell me what to look like to deserve the word beautiful, the education system tells me to get at least one university degree to be smart and church says I will never be worthy enough to call myself a good person. People look weird at me when I dress a certain way or when I tell them that my goal is not career but motherhood. Some people claim to be friends, but I know they talk bad about me behind my back or that if I told them who I really am and what my dreams are, they’d laugh and walk away.
These were, even though I haven’t realized it until now, some of the things that were holding me back from true happiness. These things were the reasons to why I always felt sad, useless and lonely. Because I do not fit into our society’s “chart”. I let myself be judged by others. The reason I’m writing all this is because I know I’m not the only one.
Lately it hit me how short time we actually get here. I’m almost 20 and mostly spent those years unhappy, crying. I used to think: “I’m still a child, I’m still young. One day I’ll be able to get out of here and get a better life.”. I concentrated on the future and hoped it’s gonna be better than the past and present. But what if I’d walk out of my house now and get hit by a car and die? In that case I would’ve spent my whole life just surviving and waiting for a better tomorrow. Death doesn’t scare me as much as the thought of a wasted life. And that’s why I decided to rename the better tomorrow to today . I regret I didn’t realize this earlier. I feel like I’ve already wasted a big part of my life. I don’t get to re-live it again. I’ll never get to do it better again. But better start now than never. And that’s why I called this article what I did. I choose to believe I’m a strong, beautiful, intelligent, talented and capable young woman. That my dreams are not stupid. I don’t have to surround myself with people who talk bad about me or those that are only “friends” as long as I live the way they like me to and leave me the second we have a different oppinion and I’m not willing to surrender to theirs. People don’t get to control me and try to shape me into something I’m not. I get to choose if I want to go to university, where I want to live, who I want to spend my life with or when I want to get married or have children. I can reach for my dreams, spend my time the way I want, do what I love, and be with people I appreciate, people who inspire and support me. What the others say is none of my bussiness. It doesn’t define who I am or what is right to do. It is my life and I only live once.
That’s what I really want – to shed all the people who want to form and shape me, one by one, and learn to form and shape myself.
Tobias Eaton, Four (Veronica Roth)
Okay, what I’m about to share now makes me really disappointed and sad. When I came home from Finland I decided to crochet a blanket for Benjam. I had him pick out whatever colors he wanted and ordered the yarns on the internet. I intentionally ordered less because I’m pretty new to this and didn’t really know how big of a blanket I’m going to get with a certain amount of yarn. So I started with the blanket. When I used almost all of my original 16+8 yarns (16 blue-gray, 8 white) I was going to order more. But.. On the store where I ordered them before they didn’t have the white anymore. So I ordered the blue-gray from there and more white from another store. They were supposed to send me both orders sometime in January since they had some kind of Christmas break. But earlier this week I recieved an email from the store where I bought the original 24 yarns and now ordered more blue-gray there, saying that the company isn’t making that color anymore. -.-
So a blanket that was supposed to be 110×190 is only 110×115. 😦
Note to self: NEVER buy yarn on the internet anymore.
Anyway, here’s the blanket.
I hope you had a great New Year’s celebration! I did. No alcohol but lots of fun! Though the morning after I woke up with a fever and a sore throat. I spent the next 5 days in bed and since it didn’t get any better ended up going to the doctor. I got an extra week at home but to be honest I’d rather suffer at school for a bit everyday and then be able to go outside, rather than being sick!!
What are you expecting from 2015? Do you have plans? Goals? Wishes, maybe? 🙂
I want to get better in knowing who I really am and experience something new. I’d also like to graduate from highschool. So keep your fingers crossed 😀
Christmas is getting close real fast! Today is the first advent Sunday of 2014. I decided to bake (two) gingerbread advent wreaths this year. I also tried to make a little candle stand. You can see them in the photo below! 🙂
In the north of Europe and America, they’re getting lots and lots of snow. Romantic walks in snow in the Czech Republic? No way! That’s something we can dream about, at least for now. Rain, fog and temperatures between 0 and (plus!!) 10°C is all we get.
I have to admit I didn’t always like snow. There was a time I hated it with all my heart. But I found out why. When I was a kid we always had a lot of snow. I remember sledding and building snowmen every winter. I loved it. But the past few years the winters sucked. It was either super cold with no snow, or snowed for a while and then we had to walk in the gross water for some time because the snow melted almost immediately. I don’t even remember the last Christmas with snow, which used to be an “of course” for me growing up. There was one winter though that was an exception. It was really cold, but WITH snow! That winter I realized that winters are actually not as bad, if they’re good winters. And I’m so hoping for a good winter this year! Don’t disappoint me weather!! 😀